miércoles, 20 de agosto de 2008

Algunos consejos para ascender a ¡Jefe!


Las hay mujeres; los hay hombres; los hay altos, petisos, gordos, narigones, pelados… Jefes hay de distintos tipos y personalidades. Sin embargo, y a pesar de las diferencias, esta raza particular tiene ciertas características generales que las identifica y que constituyen elementos imprescindibles de ser incorporados (*).
A continuación, un decálogo de pasos a seguir para aquel aspirante a ocupar ese lugar privilegiado:
1 - Sea lo más alcahuete que pueda a cualquier superior. En otras palabras, chúpele las medias (o lo que Ud. crea conveniente).
2- Practique gestos frente al espejo que parezcan que presta atención a los reclamos de sus subordinados. Combínelos con gestos de compasión y compromiso. Total, sólo son gestos, no acciones.
3- Estudie vida y obra de los políticos más representativos de su país. Son verdaderos ejemplos de cómo llegar a la cima con habilidad y descaro.
4- Mienta, dónde y cuanto pueda; tenga presente que cuando ocupe el sillón la hipocresía será su alimento diario.
5- Practique seguido con su mascota lo siguiente: Amague que la va a dar algún alimento símil galletita pero haga sólo el movimiento de lanzamiento. Salvando las distancias es exactamente lo que va a hacer luego con su gente, por ejemplo, ante reclamos salariales.
6- Sepa también que para sus empleados tendrá que tener respuesta para todo, aunque la mayoría sean incoherentes; lo importante es desairar y/o dejar sin palabras a su interlocutor.
7- Ojo, de vez en cuando serán puestos a prueba sus conocimientos, por lo tanto seleccione varios libros didácticos para tener en su futuro despacho y sobre todo, un buen asesor de carne y hueso.
8- Distánciese poco a poco de gente de clase social media y/o baja, que por lo general se reparte entre una posible competencia o directamente está condenada al fracaso. Piense que cuando alcance “el podio más alto”, ya esa gente pasará a ser inferior cuando no invisible. De ahí en más Ud. será de la elite y por lo tanto sólo establecerá relaciones con gente de su casta.
9- Tenga presente que esa gente inferior deberá ser tratada a su vez con indiferencia, indignación y prepotencia. Desde la cima Ud. comprobará que la esclavitud en realidad nunca se ha abolido.
10- Si en un momento se siente perdido, falto de confianza, débil, e incrédulo sobre el camino tomado, aférrese fuertemente a los pecados capitales. La práctica de la soberbia, la ira, la envidia, las avaricia, entre otras, le otorgarán una vía rápida para llegar al objetivo soñado.
Estos son sólo algunos aspectos a tener en cuenta. Desde ya, Sr. lector, puede dejar su aporte, a partir de su propia experiencia, tanto como jefe o como víctima.

(*) Siempre hay excepciones a la regla. Lo que se espera es que de alguna vez por todas esa minoría deje de serlo, pues existen, aunque no lo parezcan, verdaderos líderes positivos, y con armas no tan "dañinas".
Dedicatoria especial: A mi amigo chileno, de quien recordé al subir la foto una de sus frases más conocidas: “Nooo, disculpe, pero esa mano no es franca”.

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